


cactus & lily

by campholmes



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Feelings, M/M, Smut, Unreliable Narration, katya is her own dom lmao, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:47:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10816449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campholmes/pseuds/campholmes
Summary: She hates Trixie for making her so speechless, for what feels like the first time in her life. She’s been speechless before but Trixie has taken all of the words out of her brain, emptied her insides of them, she can’t even think them.(katya listens to two birds)





	cactus & lily

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s a quick (SO quick like im sorry...) thing! special thankx to artificiallale, matilda_queen, and UNHhhh for cheering me on and allowing me to be Messy… couldnt do it without y’all. i listened to two birds and i needed to write this, trixie’s lyrics are so good? i love them she should write fic tbh. hope you like! tumblr: fleursverts

Katya didn’t think that she would like the album.

Well, of course she thought that she would _like_ it, but in a sort of detached, half-way, _it’s my best friend’s piece of art that I wouldn’t look twice at if it were a stranger’s_ kind of like.

God, she was so fucking wrong.

When the album is released it’s still her fucking birthday, she’s smoking in her living room, naked and pleasantly high. When her phone bings with the notification she waits to finish her joint, Trixie told her that it was a chill sound and she’s heard a lot of it, plus she wants to be as high as possible for it so that she’ll text Trixie and sing her praises about it before falling asleep on the couch.

It’s done downloading once she’s back from the kitchen with a glass of water, and she turns off the ceiling light. It’s dim and smoky in the room and she guesses that she’s ready to hear it.

And she listens, and listens. 

And when she surfaces out of it, she’s listened to it five times and she’s not high anymore, she’s totally sober and she’s kneeling on the couch and her phone is tight in her hands and her knees are wet. She’s shaking, and Trixie’s voice is so close to her. So close and she’s whispering in her ear.

“Fuck,” Katya feels dizzy, she needs more water so she unclenches all of her tight muscles and stands up. Her feet are asleep, they buzz as she walks to the kitchen and it’s dark out of the window above the sink so she has to look at herself in the mirrored glass, the light behind her hair like a halo.

She’s crying and she doesn’t know when she started or if she can stop because she can’t _feel_ it, it’s like she’s been crying her whole life because the tears are coming second-nature, and she realizes that she hasn’t cried in a long fucking time. Months, definitely, maybe a year.

She should text Trixie.

She doesn’t want to, she doesn’t know if she could look her in the eyes again. She doesn’t know if she could ever talk to her like they do on the phone for hours on days they have off halfway across the country. 

_Can a cactus and a lily find a common pot to grow?_ Is circling over and over in her head, the album is still loud in her ears but that’s all she can hear, and she doesn’t even fucking know why. Her limbs feel heavy and she’s sitting on the couch again. 

“What the fuck,” her fingers are buzzing and her whole body is buzzing, like, she wants to go to sleep but she’s wired and something feels off.

“What the fuck,” she can’t stop whispering to herself and Trixie is still singing into her ears, she looks and it’s 2am and she started listening at 8 and how…?

She isn’t tired but she flosses and brushes anyway and lies in bed staring at the ceiling and Trixie is still singing and playing and she can’t turn it off, she isn’t able to. She wants to imprint it into her ears and every time she reaches to press pause she feels excruciatingly guilty and her head is pounding with the blood in her ears and her heart's still beating so fast.

Somehow she drifts off but the volume is still up almost all the way and she barely sleeps, she wakes up in the night when her phone dies and she plugs it in only half-thinking, waits for it to power up again and presses play and lets herself drown, her room is so dark and the dark is moving somehow, with Trixie’s voice.

```

She calls Trixie in the morning.

She wasn’t going to but she’s still listening when she wakes up and her phone is taunting her with all of the birthday messages and she knows that Trixie’s message is there somewhere among them and usually she wouldn’t go looking for it (Trixie will know she’s read it), but she does, and Trixie’s typed her a nice little paragraph about how she’s glad to be her friend and whatever, and Katya’s finger hovers over the ‘call’ button.

She breathes in, preparing herself not only for the call but for how the music will stop once the ringing starts, and it’s stupid but every time Trixie sings _Boston_ she feels like she’s being punched in the gut.

She calls, and Trixie picks up and she guesses that she probably should have checked the time before she called because she’s clearly woken her up.

“Yeah?” Trixie’s voice is lower and slurred and she’s whispering right into Katya’s ear again, the hairs on the back of her neck are standing up and her eyes are dried out from crying.

“Yeah, hi,” Katya doesn’t know what to say and maybe she should have thought of something because now Trixie’s going to be worried and ask her what’s wrong god she should compliment her on the album maybe she should have checked where it was on the charts fuck--

“Katya? Are you okay?” Trixie sounds more awake now and Katya has to think of a response, and quick. But she still pauses. “Katya???”

“Hey,” Katya is whispering and she knows it, she’s being too gentle and Trixie sounds like Trixie, she knows Trixie and somehow her words on the album are so fucking _Trixie_ , she’s got prose coming out of her ears apparently and Katya wants to hold it all and let it sift between her fingers.

It’s been silent for so long, Katya’s been silent for so long.

“How was your birthday?” Trixie is speaking softer now, she clearly thinks that something terrible must have happened, that Katya was or is in danger and Katya feels so fucking guilty but she wants Trixie to continue to speak to her softly like that and whisper to her like how she sings.

So she sits in silence for what feels like minutes and maybe it is. She can hear Trixie’s breathing and she can see Trixie in bed, hand gripping the phone and eyes crinkled in concern, for Katya, and Katya can feel her heart in her throat.

She breathes in deep.

“I’m okay, I’m okay, Trix. I just wanted, I just wanted to call you because I heard it,” Katya doesn’t even know what the fuck to say about the fucking album, she sounds like an idiot because she doesn’t even know how she _feels_ about it, she’s listened to it a million times but she doesn’t even know what it sounds like. 

“Yeah?” Sometimes Trixie will get impatient with her but this time she still sounds worried, and Katya knows that she just wants her to like it, just wants her to praise her, but she can’t just do that and she has to find the words.

“Trix, it’s…” Katya takes a deep, shuddering breath and her hands are shaking bad now, “It’s really good.”

Fuck, Trixie is laughing and so is Katya now, and she feels more like her usual self but there’s still a tight knot in her gut and maybe it’ll never go away. The knot rises as Trixie lets her laughs calm and she starts talking.

“Have you seen the charts? I mean, I doubt it’s even on them but I can still dream, right, until I’ve seen them,” there’s noise on Trixie’s end of the line and Katya can tell that she’s getting out of bed. Katya can’t move, her thighs are shaking still.

“Trix, I mean, it really was. It’s so good. I’ve been listening to it all night,” Katya needs to explain but she doesn’t even know what she’s explaining.

“Thanks!” Trixie isn’t listening to her, which is is par for the course for the both of them while they’re on the phone but Katya needs her to listen just this once, this day isn’t about Katya but she wants Trixie to hear it while she’s still able to say it, still half-asleep and tight under her covers.

“Trixie,” Katya says, lets her voice drop lower in the hopes that Trixie realizes that she’s being serious. The shuffling on the end of the phone stops.

“Yeah?” She’s listening.

“It was really good, Trix.” Why can’t she fucking _say_ it, she doesn’t know what she has to say still but she wants it to come out of her mouth.

“Thank you,” Trixie’s voice is lower too and Katya can’t help it from going right to her dick and _has anybody out there seen my man?_ and _I said I would never know why_ and Trixie is breathing. 

Katya isn’t gonna touch herself over this, she’s going to lie here and let her dick grow harder and harder from Trixie’s breaths, she’s gonna tell her brain to shut the fuck up and she’s going to say something nice about Trixie’s album.

“Like, I loved it,” Katya can’t help but feel like she’s fucking something up. She doesn’t know what.

“I’m glad you did,” Trixie sounds worried again, and a little annoyed, and it’s making Katya even harder, she should hang up and jerk off and stop pestering Trixie. “I’m going to check the charts, okay?” Trixie is talking down to her a little like she does when she thinks she needs to help her, gently.

“Okay,” Katya can tell when her voice goes to speaker. Trixie’s humming something and she isn’t in Katya’s ear so much anymore, she sounds farther away.

When Trixie gasps Katya’s been desperately trying to ignore her dick with all the concentration she can muster, so she jumps a little.

“Katya,” Trixie is out of breath and Katya wishes she could see her.

“Y- yeah?”

“I’m #5 on iTunes,” Trixie is smiling and Katya wants to see it but she can’t stomach the idea of seeing it, it’s too much, Katya’s heart is in her throat and she’s so proud that tears come to her dry eyes and Trixie is laughing on her end of the line, Katya can hear it echo in her apartment around her. “Holy fuck! Katya! I’m #5 on iTunes…”

Katya is laughing too and she’s also rock hard.

“Trix, I’m so proud of you, I gotta go but I’m going to call you back, okay, I’ll talk to you later today,” Katya is palming herself, how the fuck did this escalate so quickly?

“Okay, talk to you soon,” Trixie hangs up and Katya can’t blame her, the album starts playing again in her headphones as the call ends and she can finally wrap her fingers around her dick, pump herself in time to Trixie’s guitar strokes and imagine Trixie there, hot breath on her mouth and brown eyes on hers and strong hands all over her.

_And I’ll leave the linen the way they’ve been slept in, the sheets on the bed in a pile._

When Katya cums it isn’t enough and Trixie’s voice is so loud in her ears, she can’t focus on anything but the voice and the beat and how her heart is in time with it, and she feels hot and sticky and unsatisfied.

```

She must have fallen asleep again and when she wakes up she finally pauses the album. It’s 10am, and she grunts as she climbs out of bed and goes to find food.

Once she’s at the table eating with coffee she looks at her phone again and the notifications have been blessedly empty for an hour except for three texts from Trixie. She opens them and her thumb is shaking a little.

 **Trixie:** Hey, you fall asleep?

 **Trixie:** What are you up to today?

 **Trixie:** I guess you are asleep. Text me when you get this!

Katya immediately clicks into the message, but she doesn’t know what to say. She hates Trixie for making her so speechless, for what feels like the first time in her life. She’s been speechless before but Trixie has taken all of the words out of her brain, emptied her insides of them, she can’t even think them.

 **Katya:** Awake! What’s up?

The little typing notification pops up and Katya’s heart stutters, she still doesn’t know what the fuck is wrong with her, but maybe she does. She could know, but she’s terrified. She just can’t even think it with her empty brain and her focus on the three tiny gray dots and the thought of Trixie touching the screen of her own phone.

 **Trixie:** Album is doing so well! Want to celebrate with me, for lunch?

Why the fuck would Trixie want to hang out with _her_ today, when she could be, Katya doesn’t know, partying or fucking or drinking or anything else? It doesn’t matter, because she’s already sending confirmation that she’s free and they’re going to meet in the park and go on a walk to find a place for lunch and does that sound romantic? Katya doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know why she’s worried about it, either. But she starts playing the album again. 

Once she gets to the park and actually sees Trixie there on a bench and it’s noon, the sun is high and hot and Trixie’s wearing a baseball hat and tiny, tiny shorts, and Katya can’t stop looking at those thighs but also Trixie’s _face_ , she’s holding back a smile looking down at her phone and Katya’s never seen anyone so beautiful.

She stops on the path in the middle of the path and there’s a duck in the grass, over there, and she has her headphones in and she’s listening and looking at Trixie and the knot ties and she’s so in love, Trixie’s hands from far away and her knees. And Katya remembers the tears she had cried last night or this morning onto her own knees and Trixie should have been there to hold her and watch her listen to the fucking album.

She wanted Trixie there so badly and now she’s here and Katya is in love with her.

Why didn’t she listen harder to the songs before the album came out, she would have maybe fallen in love slower. And not be standing here in the middle of the path like an idiot, completely frozen.

She’s finally able to move one foot and the other comes after it easily, as Trixie comes closer and more into focus Katya can see her skin, she’s paler from travel and she’s wearing a black t-shirt that Katya wants to slide off slowly, look at all of the skin and hairs and pores below each inch of cotton.

“Hey!” Trixie is still smiling from where Katya is sure she’s reading a thousand wonderful comments about the album and glowing reviews and good luck texts and likes from boys she wants to fuck. And Katya doesn’t want to share, really. 

“Hi,” Katya can’t hold in a grin but she can’t do an open-mouthed smile either and she’s sure that she looks like the fucking Grinch.

Trixie looks a little bit baffled and Katya can’t blame her, she knows that she’s acting weird and she can’t _help_ it, she’s sitting on the bench now and she can smell Trixie.

“Are you good?” Trixie will never stop worrying about her, Katya thinks. And she can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. She just knows that when they’re old ( _if_ they’re old, she guesses), Trixie will still be calling her up to make sure she’s eating, or to make sure that she’s gotten out of bed, or to make sure that she’s happy. Katya simultaneously can’t stand that concept of forever and can’t help how it makes hot coals sizzle somewhere in her stomach.

“I’m good,” Katya is maybe smiling a little bit and Trixie still looks confused but she’s willing to ignore it for now, Katya can tell.

“Okay, well. What are you up for?” Trixie is looking around and Katya can never decide on somewhere to eat, Trixie should know that by now.

“I don’t know,” Katya grins, Trixie’s scent is overwhelming but she’ll power through. And then later in bed she can allow herself one orgasm while thinking of Trixie but after that she seriously needs to come up with a game plan. 

Trixie is rolling her eyes but it hurts to look at her when she’s joking and silly and Katya is turning away, she knows that Trixie will notice because Katya is usually the one who pushes her for eye contact and she’s afraid that Trixie feels bad, that she’s made her feel bad by not looking at her. Katya feels stupid and useless and she just kinda wants to go home, but then Trixie is pulling at her shoulder, making her face her.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Trixie looks stricken and Katya has a dawning realization that Trixie thinks that she’s high, she invited her out and is sitting her down in the park, engaging her because she thinks that she’s been fucked up the past day Trixie hasn’t seen her and she feels even stupider, Trixie is looking up in her eyes and down to her mouth and over her shoulders and her arms and she’s touching her hands.

“I’m not high, Trix,” Katya sighs, letting Trixie squeeze her hand tighter. 

“Okay, then tell me what’s wrong. It’ll be okay, we can talk through it,” Trixie’s brows are low and Katya wants to lick them, wants to run her tongue over Trixie’s lips and kiss her on her inner elbow where the skin is so sensitive.

“I, I don’t think that I can,” Katya is slowly starting to panic now, maybe she should have told Trixie she was fucked up or literally anything else, because now she’s talked herself into a corner that she can’t come out of, she can’t make up an excuse and she can’t lie, she can’t do that to Trixie. She couldn’t have told her she was high either, she wouldn’t have. And realizing that makes all the difference, suddenly.

Trixie looks like she might cry and Katya feels sick but at the same time she feels warm like her stomach is warm, hot, burning and Katya’s had Trixie this close before but not this close. Never this close, so close to telling her everything. She’s choking on it.

Katya takes a deep, shuddering breath and it feels like her ribs are creaking. 

“Trixie, I listened to the album,” Katya realizes that it’s even still playing in one earbud, the one on the other side of Trixie, and Katya’s heart is still beating in time with it. She feels like these songs will always be playing in her head from now on and she doesn’t know if she likes that. But she really, really does. She does.

Trixie still looks so confused and Katya doesn’t blame her.

“Trixie, I’m in love with you,” Katya’s whispering. Trixie’s pupils dilate and her jaw drops and her hands squeeze hard and there’s wind in Katya’s hair.

“Kat-”

“Trixie, I love you, god,” Katya is talking now, normal volume and there are people walking by, fucking, walking right along the sidewalk in front of them and couldn’t Katya do this at a better time? She’s fucked up again but now she doesn’t care, it’s too late and Trixie is making her fingers fall asleep.

“Katya,” Trixie’s mouth is on hers and Katya’s eyes are wide open but Trixie’s are shut tight, crinkled and neither of their mouths are moving. Katya can’t stop looking at Trixie so close, her eyes are crossing with it. Trixie’s nose is huffing breaths onto Katya’s upper lip and it’s seriously not sexy but Katya is getting hard.

Trixie pulls back and she’s holding Katya’s face in one hand, her thumb on Katya’s stubbly chin and she’s dumbfounded at the look Trixie gives her, she looks hurt and she’s smiling at the same time, Katya wants to touch her lips and so she does with her thumb. They’re soft and pillowed, Trixie pushes them up against Katya’s skin and Katya holds back a shiver.

They’re sitting on a bench in a public park and Katya seriously needs to snap out of it, she wants to take Trixie home but she doesn’t know what Trixie is _thinking_ , Katya’s never been in love before and she’d thought that she was, a few times. But she hasn’t been because those other times didn’t make her dizzy like this, didn’t make her kneel on the couch late into the night music blasting, tears running down her face ugly without even thinking about it.

“I love you too,” Katya didn’t even think that she was going to hear it. Not because she didn’t think that Trixie could love her, or that she must because she kissed her just now hard, but because Katya just genuinely didn’t think that Trixie would say it. It had never even crossed her mind. She feels off-balance. 

Trixie’s finger is against her teeth now that she’s smiling, though, and she didn’t think that it would be so _easy_ , maybe that’s one of Trixie’s lyrics, she still doesn’t know which song is which since it’s just been playing on loop, mushed into one huge overtaking, looming piece that’s quiet in Katya’s right ear and Trixie’s fingers are now gently unclenching Katya’s from where they’ve migrated to her biceps, standing and holding one of her big hands out for Katya to take.

Katya can feel her throat close up and she takes Trixie’s hand, she feels like her hand is so small and she feels full, Trixie is next to her and soon they find themselves in Katya’s apartment but she doesn’t know how they got there.

```

Katya’s old glass of water from last night is still on the coffee table and Trixie leads Katya into her bedroom.

“Hey,” Trixie whispers from where she’s still holding Katya’s hand. Katya’s hand is sweaty.

“Hi,” Katya is whispering, and she feels young, like high school young, like she’s with her first boyfriend and they’re going to have sex for the first time and everything is hushed and cheesy and everyone is nervous but everyone wants it _so bad_. At least she assumes that’s what it’d be like. She doesn’t know but she does know that Trixie’s smiling at her. And she hasn’t stopped.

Trixie takes both her hands and they’re laughing as Trixie pulls her down on the bed with her, situates Katya on top of her and they’re still dressed but the skin that is touching is burning hot, excruciating friction of forearms and fingers and cheeks.

“I listened to your album,” Katya had left her phone and headphones on the table by the door. Trixie huffs a laugh through her nose as she’s pressing a soft, dry kiss below Katya’s ear. Katya is covered in goosebumps.

“Yeah?” Trixie whispers right in her ear and Katya can hear her even better than she could from the studio mic.

“And I’m in love with you,” Katya is grinning again, her lips are a little chapped but she scrapes her rough jaw along Trixie’s smooth face to connect their lips, chapped and chapstick are rubbing together and Katya’s lips are numb from touching Trixie’s the instant that they do. Trixie’s arm is around Katya and her hand is at the small of her back, making her skin vibrate beneath it, Trixie’s never touched her there before without a corset in the way, and Katya is so hard already.

But Trixie wants this to be gentle and Katya will give her anything. Anything that she wants, to hear it on her next album or to hear it in her voice when she says Katya’s name.

“The album made you fall in love with me,” Trixie is stating it, like it’s fact, into Katya’s mouth with hot breath and Katya is biting her bottom lip hard so that she breaks off into a groan.

“No,” Katya whispers between kisses. Trixie’s hand that isn’t on her back is wrapped around Katya’s own, Katya is holding it against her chest and fiddling with Trixie’s thumb. “The album made me realize how in love with you I’ve always been.”

Trixie giggles, actually fucking giggles and Katya pulls back to squint at her, Katya’s smiling too and she’s still rock hard and when she looks down so is Trixie in her deliciously tiny shorts. Katya can feel the sweat beginning to drip down her back. Trixie is blushing and still giggling and Katya has never seen her so happy and so mature and as old as she is now. And as young as she seems now.

Katya can’t help it and she pulls her own shirt off, Trixie’s eyes darken as she does and she lets Katya position her arms up to she can pull Trixie’s off, too. 

“Fuck,” Katya can’t help but whisper as she runs her hands down Trixie’s chest, Trixie is breathing heavily and Katya takes a moment to think about that.

“Come on,” Trixie is saying, unbuttoning and unzipping Katya’s shorts through Katya’s hands on her. Katya shimmies out of everything and climbs on top of Trixie again, she’s so hard and she’s not going to last long with Trixie’s eyes on her and Trixie’s words echoing in her mind. 

Katya pulls Trixie’s shorts and underwear off, too, and Trixie is huge and hard and Katya’s drooling at the sight of her and she wants to lick her up and down, wants to touch her and feel her hot skin and she wants Trixie to choke her with it.

Katya is whining as she stretches down Trixie’s torso to settle her elbows on either side of Trixie’s hips, and she licks up her dick with her flat tongue, Trixie groaning from far away at the pillow. Katya sucks her down right as she whines and her tongue is tracing circles and Trixie’s hands are in Katya’s hair, pulling on it and it’s a little grey at the edges and Katya’s balding but Trixie likes that, Trixie is so hard for her.

“Yeah,” Trixie sighs and Katya is grinding into the sheets, her fingers are digging into Trixie’s hips and she moves them to dig them into Trixie’s ass, it’s huge and soft and Katya is so close to coming, she can’t breathe and she’s stuffed with Trixie’s dick and she’s touching that ass and Trixie smells so good, like skin and her soap and she’s making these tiny gasping sounds above her. Trixie is whining as Katya’s stubble scratches her thighs and her balls and her hips are twitching upwards erratically. Katya lets them.

Katya is so overwhelmed and Trixie is so close, she’s never touched Trixie like this before and she’s always wanted to, and she migrates a single finger to trace around Trixie’s hole, earning a little shout.

The shout is in her voice, too, and Katya thinks _I know I should just think of goin’ and not where I’ve been_ and she’s coming, moaning around Trixie’s dick and her mouth is going slack around it and Trixie is thrusting a little and then coming at almost the exact same time, Katya sputtering and half spitting, half swallowing as she humps the sheets a final time.

Katya somehow pulls herself up to Trixie’s face and presses their shoulders together, it’s too hot to lie on her but Katya can feel their skin touching and that’s more than enough.

Trixie clasps her jaw to pull her in for a kiss, and Katya is numb to the taste by now but she’s sure that Trixie can taste herself and she probably likes it, Katya realizes, because she’s still kissing Katya sloppily and Katya is touching her face, too. 

And Katya has almost drifted off. Trixie is so warm and she pulls up the sheet over them and settles it around Katya, wiping her off and squishing against her side, wrapping her arm around her.

Katya isn’t used to it but she thinks that she’ll need it every single night very soon.

“ _I’m learning bridges can lead to land,_ ” Katya whispers into Trixie’s hair, she thinks that’s the lyric and Trixie is asleep but they made it, maybe, she thinks, and that’s good enough for her for a lifetime of love.


End file.
